HAPPY MONDAY :D
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On Failing.. and the concept of attempting to "fail forward"..
Sooo.. it's been a while since I've posted an update.. And really it's a combination of "time-got-away-from-me" and "we-just-moved-and-it's-taken-me-a-while-to-set-up-internet" but mostly due to the "I-feel-like-the-most-recent-thing-I-did-was-a-run-your-head-into-the-wall-kind-of-failure-and-I'm-not-sure-where-to-go-next" discouragement that came after I spent 10 days in Colorado. I was at the biannual Cru Staff conference in July in order to interpret the content of the main speakers that would be live-streamed. This conference brings over 3,000 current and newly joined staff to one location (CSU in Fort Collins) for a time to refresh and set the pace for the next 2 years. At the conference, they also live-stream the main sessions in order to accommodate the staff members that due to conflicting family schedules, restricted travel due to living overseas or other factors are not able to attend. It also allows our ministry partners (YOU) to eavesdrop on some amazing speakers (which can be seen here). (I intended to post an update once I got to CSU telling you about your opportunity to tune into the live stream, but the Internet and my computer would NOT cooperate in Colorado.) :( The current two Deaf staff members were not able to attend the conference this summer, and so the plan was that I go and interpret the sessions via live stream so that they would also know what was happening at the conference. If you happened to click the first link, you'll see that there are over 30 videos. If you look at the playlist (here is what is up right now) of the videos that are currently interpreted, you'll see a dismal few. Which is that 'failing' part that I mentioned in the first sentence.
And I know that it's mostly *not* my fault that it failed. And I know that I gave my best effort.. I was met with resistance at almost every turn, and I got weary in the fight.. BUT still.. I failed.. and it was not something I expected, thus it's caught me up in this quandary.
You may be asking, "Jenna, it seems like you just hit some road blocks, but I wouldn't call that failure.. why do you feel like you failed?" Well, for starters take a look at these two pictures..
See those words in blue? and the lack of videos uploaded? Kinda self-explanatory.. Remember I said that the internet and I were not friends while at the conference.. It's frustrating enough to be working really hard on a project and met with resistance from people who are a subjective entity in their opinions and interaction with others.. however, when an item that should be a neutral, objective party provides resistance too, it's easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged..
And I can hear you thinking (yes, telepathically) "But Jenna, it couldn't have been that bad.."
And.if.I.told.you.everything.that.went.wrong.every.day.this.post.would.take.you.5.hours.to.read.and.who.wants.to.sit.and.read.a.disaster.like.that..I.really.don't.think.you.have.time.to.listen.to.how.within.the.first.15.min.of.arriving.I.didn't.have.childcare.for.my.daughter.because.while.I.thought.I.had.signed.her.up.apparently.the.system.had.a.glitch.and.she.wasn't.registered.and.even.if.I.did.register.her.there.was.a.wait.list.and.if.she.got.in.she.can't.use.the.cloth.diapers.I.brought.and.I.don't.have.a.car.to.go.get.disposable.diapers.for.her.and.speaking.of.no.car.childcare.is.2.miles.away.and.only.opens.30.min.before.each.main.meeting.session.but.I.need.to.be.at.those.sessions.an.hour.before.they.start.to.set.up.and.meet.the.speakers.and.so.what.am.I.suppose.to.do.when.I'm.interpreting.for.2.or.more.hours.a.day.with.her..Wear.her.on.my.back.like.they.do.in.other.countries.when.mom.works.in.the.fields..And.even.if.she.gets.in.you.don't.have.the.required.paperwork.that.you.were.suppose.to.have.filled.out.by.your.pediatrician.at.home.and.they.are.closed.today.and.you.can't.bring.her.until.we.have.that.form.so.I.guess.you'll.just.have.to.miss.the.first.session.cuz.the.form.is.important.and.interpreting.can.happen.at.a.later.time,right? (You are suppose to read this in one breath, so you know how frazzled I felt)
After about 45 mins of filling out paperwork and talking to the right people, a woman offered to go to the store and buy a pack of disposable diapers for Jaelyn to use while in Childcare, a spot opened up for her to be accepted, and I found a friend who offered a ride to get her to and from the childcare location. However, the rest of the conference went about like that.. though, unfortunately most of the "I'm.sorry.you.can't.do.that/have.that./be.there/we.can't.accomodate.you" situations did not work themselves out like the childcare one did and I was left to figure it out on my own.. at a conference that I've never attended before, where I was "single parenting it" while trying to work 6 hours a day for events that were not on a flexible schedule.. (to any single parent out there reading this - I have a much better appreciation for what you do every day. I was very grateful to those friends that I did run into at the conference who offered to help out with Jaelyn for short amounts of time.) That being said, I felt like I just got more and more run down with each new day and each new obstacle faced.
And I don't want this entry to be a downer. My goal in sharing the above is to give you a glimpse into the 10 days that I was there.. It was hard.. And could I have had lower expectations for the conference and the process? Yes, I could have. But I went in thinking that I would at least be welcomed to the table, so to speak, and instead I was handed the folding chair with the wobbly legs and told to set up against the wall and hold my plate on my lap. Not ideal (not easy when juggling a baby either), but survivable.
So, back to thoughts on how to "fail forward" - It's hard.. it's hard to simply just fail. It's hard to not meet the expectations that you set for yourself - especially if other people are counting on you. It's also very humbling to fail.. but it's humbling-er (is that a word? more humbling?) to attempt to fail with grace so not as to burn bridges as you tumble down, and then once you've finished failing, to get up and try again (with the same people that just watched you fall on your face).. And that's the place I feel like I'm currently residing. Attempting to take the experience I had, and not let it become a bitter root, but instead asking Abba for wisdom to take the good and learn from the frustrating. It is HARD. Cuz there was s.o. m.u.c.h. f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.n.g..
I think this quote (I've used here before) from a Cru staff individual back in my college days resonates with my experience.
"Life wouldn't be so hard, if we didn't expect it to be so easy.."
And maybe that was the goal - His Goal, anyway.. To allow me to experience the frustration. To see how determined my spirit is to bring this level of training that Cru offers to the Deaf community. Maybe the test was to see if I'd fail and give up, or fail and get up and try again.. who really knows (He does, but doesn't seem too keen on filling me in on the details as of yet).. All that to say - I'm back.. there's still more work to get done, and I've got my sleeves rolled up ready to start.. I'll send out an update Wednesday with What'Sup :)
Praying your Monday has started off swimmingly! :)
Soli Deo Gloria
:D
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