What's in a name? (well, apparently a lot!)

When Emaias was born, I had just started reading the Bible again on a consistent basis (hello Motherhood!). During the first week after he was born names like Emmett, Everett, Ellis, and Elias kept coming to mind, but they just didn't fit him. I've been reading the pocket book of Luke. I kept feeling the Holy Spirit say, "Pick up your booklet and look through there.. his name is there.." I didn't want to, so I continued scouring baby name websites that first week, feeling the pressure of others to find him a name. And I continued to come up wanting.. When I finally yielded to the Holy Spirit and flipped open Luke, I came to the story Emmaus, and felt a sea of peace encompass my thoughts. The Road to Emmaus could be summed up as an unplanned event, an unexpected wait for a promised outcome and a journey to understanding that began in confusion - which has very much been our story with this little guy. We weren't necessarily planning on a third biological child so soon, but God's timing is what it is, and it's been good. (more on this about his middle name.)

However, I wasn't thrilled with the spelling of Emmaus.. Yes, Christians know how to say it, since most have heard the Bible story, but it's a German word and I didn't know if the general public say "e-may-us" or "e-mos", the latter of which I did not want. Even though I had a strong feeling it was his name, I couldn't commit. Azael also didn't like the way it flowed while fingerspelling it, so we set it aside.

Through out the pregnancy, I have been making strides towards wellness. In my post a while back, I mentioned that I have been sick for a while. With this pregnancy, I've had a Nurse-Midwife attending to me. Not that my previous midwives were unskilled, but the "nurse" in this one has been extra helpful in getting blood work done and suggesting supplements that have made huge improvements in my overall health. When you have been chronically ill for some time, it's almost hard to remember how bad you actually feel, as feeling bad is your 'new normal'. It has been amazing to see myself "coming back" to who I used to be - who I know myself to be - but who has been buried by illness. I have a new hope that I can and will recover from what mono did to my body 5 years ago. During the last few months our Adonai had been impressing on me the concept of "Amaia (Ah-my-uh)" - a Spanish name meaning "the end" or "resolution". For me it's meant a feeling of "arrival to a more restful destination" and "a journey towards holistic healing - physically, emotionally, mentally." However, the name Amaia is typically a girls name, since we had a boy I wasn't sure how it fit.

But if you read my post about Kaspien's name, you know we have a penchant for mashing two names together, so why stop now? ;)
Side Note: It's funny to me when people comment on the spelling of my kids names, as my name (simply Jenna) was misspelled often while growing up (Jena, Jennah, Gina, Jeana - all fine names, just not mine). My siblings -with quite common names - experienced the same (LindsEY or AY? JessIe? Lauren can be Lauryn or Loren..) I feel like the millennial age kids will have their names spelled wrong regardless, but I digress.
As I played with alternate spellings it came to me - why not change Emmaus to Emaias? ;) The "aia" from Amaia, the sound of e-may-us.. And there you have it. Emaias :)

As for his middle name we have to go back a ways in time. "Not what I wanted. But better." is a six word memoir a friend back in college penned for one of her classes and I always found it soul-challenging. It's been something that I couldn't say of God's plan for my life up to this point. I had things working out very differently when I was younger, and as His timeline didn't fit mine, I've unintentionally harbored resentment along the way. This third child of ours -while affectionately welcomed- was not expected. I have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember, and we were moving in that direction for our 3rd child. This pregnancy has also not been fun, with morning sickness dragging on till the 7th month. And we sure weren't expecting this baby to come sooner than the end of December! But for as troublesome as the pregnancy has been, as I mentioned above about my mid-wife, it's brought healing and good things with it. I've had a clearer mind, and been a better mom. It's not the way I anticipated I would begin to feel better, but God's been good in the midst of it.

I kept coming up blank, however, while searching the baby name sites for a name that meant "not planned, but better than expected" (people who write the baby name websites want you to name your kid "gift from God", not "accident") ;)

In my searching I came across the name Toviah. It was under one of those "gift from God"/happy baby names list. It means "goodness of God" (literally: Tov = Good, Yah = Yahweh, TovYah.. Toviah) It was accompanied by Hebrew commentary explaining that God is classified in Hebrew as good - not better - because better implies comparison, and you can't compare God to anything else as He's in his own category. I can't say I have fully uncovered and released my resentment of God's plan being better than I my youthful desire, but if I change my friends memoir to "Not what I wanted. But good." I am finding rest in those words. I have more thoughts on this to share at a later day, but suffice it to say, even though this son of ours might not have been in our plans, Emaias has, is and will bring much GOOD in our lives.

Thus is the story behind Emaias Toviah BuPerry's name. May we remember His goodness in our journey to meeting our son.

Meditations&Musings4Mondays: Things pondered..

Monday's postings are longer, more in-depth thoughts or stories that I feel the need to share. If you don't have time to read this now, you can look at the cliff notes versions in the bullet points at the beginning of the posts.. When you have the time, please feel encouraged by the stories God is telling, and musings that he brings to my mind. 
HAPPY MONDAY :D
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* For those of you who've labored (birthed a child):
          Thoughts about the "round yon virgin"..

* It's not about the $$, its about the ministry (yours AND mine):
         Thoughts on year-end appeals, and monetary giving and motive..

* "Drudgery is the test of genuine character. The greatest hinderance to our spiritual life is that we will only look for big things to do." - Oswald Chambers

 MOTHER AND CHILD
    As we are in the season of Advent - I being in my own personal season of waiting on this baby inside of me to "finish cooking" - I was struck by a wonderment the other day during a conversation with my midwife. I experience "toning or practice contractions" (also known as "Braxton-Hicks") for two months or so before my baby is actually born. They started daily in June with Jaelyn, and she was born the first week of August. With this baby, it was about the beginning of November that I've daily had partial or full-uterine contractions. I know this is not common for everyone, as I have a friend (who has birthed 6 kids) tell me she only has contractions on the day she delivers.
    On social media there is a trend now to "tell the birth story" of your child's entrance into the world but I suspect it's been a word-of-mouth tradition shared for ages past.. However, the gospel writers, being men, left out that part of Mary's story, only telling us that "she brought forth her first born son" .. and so it causes me to wonder.. Did Mary have "practice contractions" leading up to the birth of Jesus? As she rode on the donkey, did she sometimes have to catch her breath at the intensity of her body "preparing room" for Jesus's entrance? Hollywood would like us to believe it was a dramatic arrival to Bethlehem with her in transition as Joseph frantically searches for a place for her to give birth.. But still, I wonder.. Maybe they got to Bethlehem, found a place, then her water broke the next day and Joseph had time to track down a local midwife to come help with the birth. It being her first child, I don't know all the Jewish customs, but I have to assume that there was help from a local midwife.. How long was Mary's labor? A short 5 hours? or a taxing 24 hours?
As I wait for this second child of ours to come into our arms, these are my ponderings of late.. :)


JOYFUL GIVING
    From November 29th to December 31st it seems as though we've entered the era of social media pressured giving. As much as I want to take advantage of the social media trend, I also feel a tinge of remorse. I want to be an outlet for God to use your gifts, talents and resources to meet a need that I feel is very blaring, but I don't want to do it at the expense of you spending time with our Abba and asking Him where it is He wants you to invest those things. I am not a "one-man-team" and can't do it all on my own - so I need you to partner with me to accomplish the things that He's given me the vision to do. But I also don't want it to only be a check-mark on your financial duty to "give". I want you to want to be generous because you realize that you've been given much - and in that "much" you want to be blessing to others. I want to be a conduit of blessing for you, not a sieve of gilt on you.
   So I wax and wane in my support-raising efforts during this time. I did try to capitalize on the #GivingTuesday wave, as I keep hearing the saying, "People want to be a part of something bigger than themselves".. but I struggle to keep the fundraising side of things at the front of what I do, because I don't want you to give out of obligation - I want you to give because you see the vision, you can feel the need, and you want to be a part of the bigger picture too..
    And maybe that's where I've failed you in the past.. I've not painted you that picture, given you those stories - the Evidences of Glory - that are happening on the college campus with Deaf students right now. I've neglected to broaden your horizon's about the Deaf community and the lack of understanding they possess when it comes to Christian things *mainly* because of the lack of information available to them.  I hope to do a better job in the coming year of raising awareness regarding a Deaf individuals access to Christian resources as well as introduce you to some of the key players who are working alongside me in this fledgling ministry. Thank you for your time and patience as I learn how best to bring these things to your attention. And thank you for those of you who have been joining me on this journey from the beginning. I truly do value your partnership, and am grateful for the team that our Heavenly Father has provided thus far. May we continue the journey together, further up and further in! :)



MAKING MASTERPIECES IN THE MUNDANE
    And it's that quote from Oswald Chambers that has me thinking about the state of the ministry - where I find myself currently - two years in and still trying to figure out all that I should be doing. I actually prefer the "behind the scenes" work of a conference or event to the "stand in the spot light" side of interpreting. However, in doing the behind the scenes work, I don't always take time to consider that the work I'm doing will be of any real value to anyone other than myself, and those it immediately impacts - ie: attendees, conference planners, etc.. As I've been taking some courses provided by Cru on leadership, I've found myself realizing that in pioneering this trail within the larger organization of Cru, I'm actually leaving blue-prints along the way for those who will come after me. I'm laying foundation that others will build upon. And in doing so, I need to not only look to the here and now, but also to think about the others that will come after me, and how what I establish now will either be the "norms/best practices" for the future or the "draft that gets thrown away for faulty planning".. I long to be the former in my current role. I want to not get stuck in the "drudgery" of establishing a ministry, but I want to make sure I'm laying a solid foundation for the next generation of workers in Deaf ministry to follow. What about you? What do you see as mundane in your current situation that could actually be the formation of Christian character with in you?


Praying that you find this holiday season full of rest and time to reflect. In whatever way our Adonai is prompting you - to do, to give, to rest, to be - I hope you heed His advice and dwell there for a bit. :)

Soli Deo Gloria
:D

A d☀y late and a dollar $hort..

Hey friends!
Some of you may not know, but I'm currently in Honduras. My lil fam and I left on Thanksgiving day. I thought I'd have some time to blog on the plane and on our layover, but alas, it was not to be. Due to much confusion over a ticket for Jaelyn (note to those traveling with 'under 2 flies free' overseas - baby must have a ticket (!).. on Delta anyway..) 
- Do not show a passport as proof she's yours..
- Do not tell the ticket counter that when you booked there was no option to input her information..
- Do not pass go until you have paid lots of money for that 'free' ticket. 
Then you might still get delayed at security because your ticket doesn't say the right words on it, so you must run back to the furthest ticketing counter from security, with the baby in arms, to have them stamp the correct wording on your ticket. 
Even still, once you get to the gate, they will not let you board the plane cuz it's stamped on, not printed. 
So they will call ticketing, and after what seems like 10min, they will finally allow you - last people to board the plane - down the walk way, with your new sufficient reprinted ticket. 
(all this happened before 6am after a looooong night with a waking-every-hour baby.. Oh the joys of traveling with lil ones!)

Supposedly all those rules prevent trafficking kids.. They also prevent blogging on the plane due to jumbled thoughts and concern about missing the connecting flight. We are in Honduras though, so obviously we made the connection (last people on the plane again!). WiFi/power was out the first day we were here, so my "planned thanksgiving post" never found it's way to the page :( However, I've decided I don't have to limit #thankful posts to Thanksgiving.. That's silly.. I can be grateful whenver - even if I'm "a day late and a dollar $hort!" :)

I wanted to publicly thank each of you who have supported me this past year. A lot of good things have happened, a lot of room for growth has been recognized, and a lot of work on future endeavors has begun - I could not have done it without you all. As I think of the unique situations in which God has placed each of us, and the specific talents, abilities and resources He has given each of us, I am oh-so-grateful that you've chosen to invest in me, and by doing so, the lives of deaf students!

Lastly, in continuing with the 'day late/dollar short' theme, I'm probably too late advertising for #givingtuesday, but I'll throw this out there. The matching grant is still live until December 31st. We have 5 Deaf Students/staff planning to attend the winter conference the last week of December. Please help us finish out the year well! Click here to give to the ASL interpreting fund, and every dollar you give gets doubled! I'll post on my FB page tomorrow, please share with friends and family. Every little bit helps. 

Thanks again for being a part of my village, my community, my support team. I appreciate you!

Soli Deo Gloria
:D

Meditations&Musings4Mondays

Monday's postings are longer, more in-depth thoughts or stories that I feel the need to share. If you don't have time to read this now, you can look at the cliff notes versions that come out in my "[what]S'up, Wednesday?" posts. When you have the time, please feel encouraged by the stories God is telling, and musings that he brings to my mind. 
HAPPY MONDAY :D
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On Failing.. and the concept of attempting to "fail forward"..

Sooo.. it's been a while since I've posted an update.. And really it's a combination of "time-got-away-from-me" and "we-just-moved-and-it's-taken-me-a-while-to-set-up-internet" but mostly due to the "I-feel-like-the-most-recent-thing-I-did-was-a-run-your-head-into-the-wall-kind-of-failure-and-I'm-not-sure-where-to-go-next" discouragement that came after I spent 10 days in Colorado. I was at the biannual Cru Staff conference in July in order to interpret the content of the main speakers that would be live-streamed. This conference brings over 3,000 current and newly joined staff to one location (CSU in Fort Collins) for a time to refresh and set the pace for the next 2 years. At the conference, they also live-stream the main sessions in order to accommodate the staff members that due to conflicting family schedules, restricted travel due to living overseas or other factors are not able to attend. It also allows our ministry partners (YOU) to eavesdrop on some amazing speakers (which can be seen here). (I intended to post an update once I got to CSU telling you about your opportunity to tune into the live stream, but the Internet and my computer would NOT cooperate in Colorado.) :( The current two Deaf staff members were not able to attend the conference this summer, and so the plan was that I go and interpret the sessions via live stream so that they would also know what was happening at the conference. If you happened to click the first link, you'll see that there are over 30 videos. If you look at the playlist (here is what is up right now) of the videos that are currently interpreted, you'll see a dismal few. Which is that 'failing' part that I mentioned in the first sentence. 

And I know that it's mostly *not* my fault that it failed. And I know that I gave my best effort.. I was met with resistance at almost every turn, and I got weary in the fight.. BUT still.. I failed.. and it was not something I expected, thus it's caught me up in this quandary.

You may be asking, "Jenna, it seems like you just hit some road blocks, but I wouldn't call that failure.. why do you feel like you failed?" Well, for starters take a look at these two pictures.. 

See those words in blue? and the lack of videos uploaded? Kinda self-explanatory.. Remember I said that the internet and I were not friends while at the conference.. It's frustrating enough to be working really hard on a project and met with resistance from people who are a subjective entity in their opinions and interaction with others.. however, when an item that should be a neutral, objective party provides resistance too, it's easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged.. 

And I can hear you thinking (yes, telepathically) "But Jenna, it couldn't have been that bad.." 

And.if.I.told.you.everything.that.went.wrong.every.day.this.post.would.take.you.5.hours.to.read.and.who.wants.to.sit.and.read.a.disaster.like.that..I.really.don't.think.you.have.time.to.listen.to.how.within.the.first.15.min.of.arriving.I.didn't.have.childcare.for.my.daughter.because.while.I.thought.I.had.signed.her.up.apparently.the.system.had.a.glitch.and.she.wasn't.registered.and.even.if.I.did.register.her.there.was.a.wait.list.and.if.she.got.in.she.can't.use.the.cloth.diapers.I.brought.and.I.don't.have.a.car.to.go.get.disposable.diapers.for.her.and.speaking.of.no.car.childcare.is.2.miles.away.and.only.opens.30.min.before.each.main.meeting.session.but.I.need.to.be.at.those.sessions.an.hour.before.they.start.to.set.up.and.meet.the.speakers.and.so.what.am.I.suppose.to.do.when.I'm.interpreting.for.2.or.more.hours.a.day.with.her..Wear.her.on.my.back.like.they.do.in.other.countries.when.mom.works.in.the.fields..And.even.if.she.gets.in.you.don't.have.the.required.paperwork.that.you.were.suppose.to.have.filled.out.by.your.pediatrician.at.home.and.they.are.closed.today.and.you.can't.bring.her.until.we.have.that.form.so.I.guess.you'll.just.have.to.miss.the.first.session.cuz.the.form.is.important.and.interpreting.can.happen.at.a.later.time,right? (You are suppose to read this in one breath, so you know how frazzled I felt)

After about 45 mins of filling out paperwork and talking to the right people, a woman offered to go to the store and buy a pack of disposable diapers for Jaelyn to use while in Childcare, a spot opened up for her to be accepted, and I found a friend who offered a ride to get her to and from the childcare location. However, the rest of the conference went about like that.. though, unfortunately most of the "I'm.sorry.you.can't.do.that/have.that./be.there/we.can't.accomodate.you" situations did not work themselves out like the childcare one did and I was left to figure it out on my own.. at a conference that I've never attended before, where I was "single parenting it" while trying to work 6 hours a day for events that were not on a flexible schedule.. (to any single parent out there reading this - I have a much better appreciation for what you do every day. I was very grateful to those friends that I did run into at the conference who offered to help out with Jaelyn for short amounts of time.) That being said, I felt like I just got more and more run down with each new day and each new obstacle faced. 

And I don't want this entry to be a downer. My goal in sharing the above is to give you a glimpse into the 10 days that I was there.. It was hard.. And could I have had lower expectations for the conference and the process? Yes, I could have. But I went in thinking that I would at least be welcomed to the table, so to speak, and instead I was handed the folding chair with the wobbly legs and told to set up against the wall and hold my plate on my lap. Not ideal (not easy when juggling a baby either), but survivable. 

So, back to thoughts on how to "fail forward" - It's hard.. it's hard to simply just fail. It's hard to not meet the expectations that you set for yourself - especially if other people are counting on you. It's also very humbling to fail.. but it's humbling-er (is that a word? more humbling?) to attempt to fail with grace so not as to burn bridges as you tumble down, and then once you've finished failing, to get up and try again (with the same people that just watched you fall on your face).. And that's the place I feel like I'm currently residing. Attempting to take the experience I had, and not let it become a bitter root, but instead asking Abba for wisdom to take the good and learn from the frustrating. It is HARD. Cuz there was s.o.  m.u.c.h.  f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.n.g.. 

I think this quote (I've used here before) from a Cru staff individual back in my college days resonates with my experience.
 "Life wouldn't be so hard, if we didn't expect it to be so easy.."

And maybe that was the goal - His Goal, anyway.. To allow me to experience the frustration. To see how determined my spirit is to bring this level of training that Cru offers to the Deaf community. Maybe the test was to see if I'd fail and give up, or fail and get up and try again.. who really knows (He does, but doesn't seem too keen on filling me in on the details as of yet).. All that to say - I'm back.. there's still more work to get done, and I've got my sleeves rolled up ready to start.. I'll send out an update Wednesday with What'Sup :) 

Praying your Monday has started off swimmingly! :)

Soli Deo Gloria
:D

Meditations&Musings4Mondays

Monday's postings are longer, more in-depth thoughts or stories that I feel the need to share. If you don't have time to read this now, you can look at the cliff notes versions that come out in my "[what]S'up, Wednesday?" posts. When you have the time, please feel encouraged by the stories God is telling, and musings that he brings to my mind. 
HAPPY MONDAY :D
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Anticipation..  :)

It's a funny thing when you think you are 41.5 weeks pregnant, and find out that you are, in fact, only 38.5 weeks pregnant. If you have been following my pregnancy at all, you know that it started out with Mono (more specifically "mono-induced-hepatitis"). The reason we found out I was pregnant so early (we found out at 3 weeks gestation) was because I became jaundiced (read: turned yellow) and had to go to the ER/be admitted to the hospital overnight for monitoring as my liver was close to giving out. It took them a while to figure out what was causing my liver to not function appropriately as the strain of mono that I caught did not present itself in the usually diagnosed way. They drew 4 tubes of blood from me.. twice.. And on a whim tested for mono..

However, the pregnancy test (which I didn't ask to be done, it is standard protocol in the ER to give to any woman of child bearing age) was much simpler:
Urine analysis states - [pregnant: YES or no ]
Then the blood test gives a number. And that number corresponds with an estimated number of weeks that baby has been growing inside you.

Unbeknownst to me though, when counting the expected time of a pregnancy, the standard way is to begin from the first date of the woman's most recent menstrual cycle. I didn't think to question my midwife when she set my due date basing it off my cycle and not the blood test.. Nor did I realize that a variance of time was even an option.. 

Fast forward to last week, and I am nearing a week past my due date. At 41.5 weeks our midwife has all her "late babies" get an ultrasound to make sure things are still ok for baby to "keep cooking". My measurements were on the small side and caused her to do some double checking. After reviewing my chart and asking lots of questions, we determined that due to the mono (or possibly just me, but I have no prior pregnancy experiences to compare) it seems I ovulated later than "normal", meaning baby is a week to a week and a half younger than anticipated.. So, while we originally thought we'd meet baby the third week of July, we actually should not expect baby till the first week of August.. Information that, while not a bad thing, is.. weird? disappointing? .. to find out I'm only 38.5 weeks, when I've been thinking I'm at 42 weeks all along is course altering to say the least..

In light of this, there are two things on my mind as of late..

First, Azael and I have chosen to use a midwife and have a home birth for our baby's delivery. I won't go into all the reasons here, but the primary one is that I don't like being the patient in a hospital, and feel more comfortable at home with fewer people. Should complications arise, the midwife will transfer me to a local hospital, but we are planning to meet baby at home. Using a midwife also means we are going the "old school route" - no routine ultrasounds, no gender reveal party (cuz we don't know if baby is a boy or a girl), no "pre-named" baby announcements. These things seem so counter cultural now in a time when all of these and more can be found out about baby in utero - which has made the story of Mary and Jesus resonate a lil deeper with me. To know that she was having a boy (long before ultrasounds were routine) and he came "pre-named" must have been interesting for Mary.. as I find myself humored by all the predictions people feel the need to make when I tell them "I don't know what baby is, we will be surprised". Because of this, I see Mary's trust in the angel's message in a new light. For Mary, the confirmation she felt when she delivered a boy, I'm sure, was one of the things she "pondered in her heart.." I also realize the staggering number of options we have now in child birth compared to the limited-and often-complicated experiences of women over the course of history. I wonder if Mary feared losing her life in childbirth - something that is so rare here in America, we don't often think about it.

Second, in the Deaf youth group that Azael and I work with we have been memorizing 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. The famous "love chapter".. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And I'm finding that no matter how long I've been walking with Jesus, it's always those "back to the basics" that we have to master over and over in different settings..

Lets rewind back to November and Mono and "newly pregnant" for a bit. Many people told me "during the first trimester you'll be really tired".. but it was more than that. For the first 7 months of my pregnancy, I felt like I was in a mental fog. Thinking complete thoughts was difficult and engaging in everyday conversation took maximum effort. While I understand growing a lil human can make you tired, I had no energy at all. I jokingly told Azael, "if this is pregnancy, then we are adopting *all* the rest of our kids". Honestly though, trying to find patience for the baby to grow and my body to fight mono was very difficult. Every one's body fights mono at a different pace, and it seems mine took a full 7 months to get over it. While I would tell people I was looking forwards to meeting baby, I found myself very impatient and just wanting the baby "out" in hopes to speed along getting mono out of my system. I typically struggle in the process of growth, and this "opportunity" seemed like a double whammy. :(

I have also had to make adjustments to my diet. With my liver still being on the mend, it wasn't functioning as quickly as before. I began to have swelling 4 months into pregnancy. I had to cut out the majority of carbs in my diet, and if you know me, my dietary sustenance IS carbs.. Selfishly, I just want a pretzel with cheese sauce, or a deep dish pizza or waffles for breakfast.. But for the past 5 months, it's been chicken and beans and peanut butter (and a small variety of high protein, low carb things). I would not describe myself as adventurous when it comes to food.. nor am I a "foodie" as I prefer simple mixtures of food over complicated flavors and textures. "Dying to self" and eating this restricted diet has been quite the challenge for me. It has been especially trying to keep a positive attitude through it all and not be envious of other pregnant ladies who can eat whatever they want without compromising their health..

Around the last week of April, the fog lifted and I was able to experience "oh, THIS is pregnancy for me". Trying to just tolerate the first 7 months left me playing catch up to try to enjoy the 3 months I had left.. I've still been tired, but I've been able to hold a conversation with others and even have energy left over :) However, with my improved outlook comes the realization of how much dread I had during the first 7 months of growing this tiny human.. The challenge for "rejoicing always" evaded me often during that time.

The anticipation of meeting baby, coupled with the unknown expectations of exactly when baby will come, have left me trying to be as patient as possible while still preparing what I can for baby's impending arrival. It's a timid dance of "all ready but not yet". The latest news though, brings me to feeling like "I'm gonna be pregnant forever!" As I've neared the end of my pregnancy most women have sympathized that it's those last weeks that are the hardest. So, again, I find myself asking for patience and hope, not cynicism and dread.

In closing, I feel the Lord reminding me "whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.." Even though I mentally feel like I've been pregnant for 42+ weeks, my prayer is that I finish this season well.. That I don't become weary, and that I choose patience, joy and hope in these "last days" before we meet baby outside the womb!

A picture post of baby will be next.. But I make no promises/predictions on when that will be.. As long time supporter and family friend, Sarah Perkins commented other day, "no one told the baby their due date.." 

Soli Deo Gloria
:D

Meditations&Musings4Mondays

Monday's postings are longer, more in-depth thoughts or stories that I feel the need to share. If you don't have time to read this now, you can look at the cliff notes versions that come out in my "[what]S'up, Wednesday?" posts. When you have the time, please feel encouraged by the stories God is telling, and musings that he brings to my mind. 
HAPPY MONDAY :D
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Noticing the Fingerprints of Abba on my journey in the Northeast so far..

I briefly mentioned last week that my travels up to the northeast, and subsequent month-long-stay all came together in a 3 day period. Honestly, I had second, and third and even fourth thoughts about a 5 week trip coming together in less than 48 hours - BUT - when I look back on the many journey's I've taken to get to this point, I see a very distinct pattern of God's guidance being in the "whispers" of "a voice behind [me] saying "this is the way, walk in it".." In the first week of January, I was feeling quite lousy - due to constant morning sickness, and a wicked-nasty aftertaste in my mouth that seemed never ending. While Azael and I prayed together on Saturday for our families, friends and upcoming trip to New Jersey for a friends wedding, we both has this sense of "what if.. I (Jenna) stayed until our other friends wedding on February 15th".. 
We tossed around the idea, but that was it.. I continued to ponder it throughout the day, and by Sunday, I was again bringing up the topic of an extended stay in the Northeast.. On Monday, we decided that I would begin by facebook messaging/emailing/texting my friends/contacts I have up there.. and by Tuesday evening the details had mostly fallen into place - transportation from place to place accounted for and a place to sleep at each location.. Not many details nailed down other than those, but it was enough of a nudge for God to point me in "the way, walk in it", so I started packing (who packs for a 5 week trip in 1.5 days? this crazy girl!) and trying not to stress about the last minute notice. We were also able to squeeze in seeing our Mid-wife on Tuesday evening, allowing us to get some input about traveling while pregnant, a list of supplements to help maintain healthy "baby growing", and to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time. :) 
It's hard to explain the peace that comes in the storm though - unless you have previously experienced the seemingly unnatural comfort that Abba gives - it sounds contradictory.. However, in the midst of all that I was trying to prep for my month long absence, there was a quite that covered my heart, knowing that this was the right thing to do at this point in time. So, on Thursday, January 9th, off we flew..

After our friends wedding, I had wanted to go straight to Albany where the Epicenter conference would be held over the MLK long-weekend. The plans that were able to solidify though took me to Rochester for the four days between the wedding and the conference. I didn't mind the time to catch up with my friend as we made the 6 hour road trip through PA to Upstate New York. It was good to see a hospitable Christian couple who has housed me in my previous visits to Rochester. Overall, though, I was wondering why I was in Rochester for these 4 days, since the semester didn't start for another 2 weeks (and no students were on campus). Unbeknownst to me, a student that had been on Project before happened to be in town early, waiting for her semester job to start. Azael connected the dots from a previous conversation with another one of our friends, and I shot her a text message seeing what she was doing. Her day was free, and we were able to meet up. God often causes me to chuckle at the way he coordinates our schedules even before we know what we need. :) What I thought would be a quick lunch chat turned into a 4 hour conversation of much needed authenticity and restoration. If the only reason for my four days in Rochester was to have a four hour conversation with this student, then I'm glad I went.. 

Interpreting at Epicenter was a good experience, but being able to get to chat with many of the "powers that be" in the Cru campus ministries was also very necessary to moving forward with my part-time position. It was also beneficial in aligning myself and the Hands of Fire (Deaf Cru) Staff of the movement on RIT's campus toward the same goal. The conference schedule proved to be packed full and quite busy, but I left feeling refreshed and with a vision to move forward in the mission of equipping Deaf students to reach other Deaf students with the Gospel. :)

After the conference, I was suppose to fly to Baltimore, and then make my way to D.C. through the public transportation system; however, I got a text message from Southwest the night before telling me that "inclement weather had cancelled my 3:20pm flight." Bummer.. The message added that I could go online and reschedule without any additional costs. The only time available was the 6AM flight out.. Bummer again :( I had been looking forward to sleeping in after my busy weekend of interpreting.. This also meant that I wasn't sure how I would get to DC, since the snow complicated the whole trip. However, in God's networking fashion, my plans were about to all work out :) A student who had been on Summer Project in 2010 (and Azael's roommate) had moved out to Baltimore 2 weeks ago for an internship. The only reason we knew this was that Azael forgot to sign out of Skype the day before, and this friend of ours, Nick, seeing Azael on-line, started chatting with him. In their time catching up, Nick mentioned his recent move. Coincidence? I think not. 
The world was about to get smaller though (as the Cru world often does). Nick was attending a church that a friend back in Indiana recommended. Nick met Larry at this church. Larry works with Cru's Epic movement. Larry has a fiancee named VanKim. VanKim was working from home (due to the "inclement weather" that messed up my flight schedule), so I could stay with VanKim -even spend the night- so that I didn't get stuck in the snow storm due to inconsistent Public transportation that day. WOW - Yay God! :) Again, he provided before I even knew I needed it. :)

So, at 6AM the airport was buzzing with people, since all afternoon flights had been cancelled, and due to my pregnant self lugging all my bags with me I was the last person on my flight. :( (but my flight neighbor on the plane taught me how to play canasta on her iPad, so that was fun.) Once in the Baltimore airport, I cumbersomely shoved allll my bags down a loooooooong corridor (from door 5 to door 19) to the lite-rail so I could meet up with my friend, Nick. Imagine boarding a charter bus with 2 large roller bags, 2 backpacks and a lunch cooler.. It takes a couple of trips up and down all those steps! I was so blessed by all the individuals that helped me at each location to load and unload my stuff (many times throwing my remaining bags out the 30 second window of "door closing now, step back, door closing" time that I had to exit with all my belongings). I know people say that "Baltimore is *rough*", but on this day, my Heavenly Father, seeing that my 3 days of packing for 5 weeks had produced a lil over-packing, had only grace to give me. Through the course of all my public transportation, no less than 7 strangers helped me to either load or unload my things from the bus, the train or the elevator without asking for anything in return. I wish I had gotten to ask their names, but it all happened so fast in each instance, and then they were gone.. All I can do is make a public record of thanksgiving to my Abba for his provision of help when I needed it. ANNND right as we got to VanKim's place, the snow began to fall, so we didn't have to fight the weather on top of all of that. :D 

On Wednesday, I made my way down to D.C. and was able to stay the evening with a "new friend" that I made last summer on the way home from project. She is as hospitable as they come, and seems to be a kindred spirit when it comes to Deaf ministry and the Christian life. It was good to get to know her a little more. I look forward to seeing how this friendship will span time, and always feel refreshed after talking with her. Around this time, mid-week too, I began to feel better! No more nausea 24/7! I still feel sick to my stomach during the day, but I'll take feeling sick occasionally over all.the.time! ;) I've been sleeping better, and generally have more energy too - yay for surviving the first trimester! :D

Sunday, I was scheduled to present a Deaf church an hour outside of D.C. Initially, my friend was going to join me and she has access to a car, so I was not concerned about the drive. Then her schedule changed and she was no longer able to come. So I began to look into public transportation, and the hour car ride turned into over a 3 hour trip :( As I continued looking at options, a taxi would cost close to $100 on-way, and a rental car - though cheap - would take me 45mins on the metro to get to the rental car place. The timing would cut it close, as the metro doesn't open til 7am on Sundays and I needed to be leaving DC by 8am. That left little time for me to actually find the rental car place once I got to the airport.. Complications! After spending some time asking God how I was suppose to get to the church, and talking with my husband about options, a solution presented itself that wasn't even on my radar. A friend offered to let me use their personal car for the whole day! I felt so blessed to not have to fight public transportation and not have to spend extra money that wasn't necessary. :)

The crazy thing is this is only 2 weeks into my trip.. I'm interested to see what the next 3 weeks hold!

Meditations&Musings4Mondays

Is it weird to say I've felt "pregnant with this post" for a little while now? Maybe it's all the baby talk with my sister-in-law (who does have a bun in the oven) that has me thinking in this kind of language.. anyway, this post has been germinating for a while - but I have a feeling labor is going to be a bit lengthy - so please bear with me.. 

If you've read any of my posts, you know that I have an aversion to $$ .. 
Not because I am greedy, and it's a temptation to me..
Not because I am jealous of others who have more than me..
Not even because I want to be filthy rich and not worry about it anymore.. 
It's because I have no #'s ¢!   [translation: I have no numbers sense!]
(yes, I used pictures - cuz that is something my brain does get!) 
Really, I just do not compute the value of money.. I know that 100 pennies = 1 dollar, but it's the practical retail value of things that makes no ¢ to me! IF someone says "I paid $80,000 for that car", I have no idea if it's a good deal or if they got robbed (and yes, people will clarify: it depends on what kind of car - new? or clunker? eh *shrug* nope.. not to me. It still doesn't compute.) I can operate a budget if the numbers are given to me, but to come up with how much is needed? nope. not even gonna try..

I also get frustrated with the idea of knowing the worth of your work. For instance, how much someone makes per hour. HOW in tar-nation are you suppose to weight the amount of work to a dollar sign? I realize this is the way the world operates, but it is incredibly foreign to me. If we want to have a conversation about language, and grammar, and syntax and roots of words/concepts and how slang derives from cultures, and the translation process from one language to another, and.. well you get my drift - I could go on allll day long! Languages make sense to me.. numbers (and $$$) not so much..

Which brings me to the musing that sprouted this post: Paychecks.. 
Currently I'm working as a freelance interpreter. That means payment comes on an hourly basis per job worked. I realize that many people make a living this way, I've just never had to count my hours so diligently to make ends meet. I guess I've been blessed to have had a salary before this that allowed me to live comfortably enough that I wasn't always pinching pennies. However, because of this new situation, I've been confronted with the reminder that I don't understand how money works. 

I am also contemplating the opportunity to go part/full time with Cru (the ministry I've been working with for a while now). The salary of this position comes from raising support - a.k.a. asking people for money. Now, I'm no stranger to this for short term needs. I feel very comfortable asking people to come along side me and support an endeavor that is "above and beyond" what my salary alone can support for a specific need. It's when I start to think about that salary being provided soley by laypeople that I start to think more deeply about this concept of value, worth, and money.. 

I can probably trace it back to not feeling worth other peoples' money BUT when I boil things down to the least common denominator - really everyone's paycheck comes from "laypeople".. cuz that's what companies give you, right? Part of the money they earned from people buying the product that you were selling? 
Football players are paid out of ticket sales $$. 
Old Navy employees are paid out of sweater sales $$. 
Car sales people are paid out of the profit off the car $$.
So the only difference in the ministry supported position is that people are putting $$ towards a person and they don't get a product back - right?
I guess it's the idea of consumerism vs donations.. 

And I think I get hung up on that idea - because as much as I could use some more funds in the bank currently, I don't want to buy the lie that materialist things are worth what America is trying to tell us they are. This is two-fold: I find myself irritated at all the advertisers and the "must need items". And I don't have a clue as to what the actual worth of something should be (due to my own ineptness coupled with the industries habit of marking prices up). 

For instance, I'm an artist. In my room, I have many random things for mixed media art pieces. I have quite a collection of canvases and painting supplies. My family would tell you all I've got is a giant mess though. And I can admit that I have accumulated things that I won't ever use, but as an artist sometimes you never know what it's going to be until it becomes what it is! :) Most all artwork I do is personal - gifts for family and friends, or something that has meaning to me. However, in lieu of trying to de-clutter, I've considered doing some artistic pieces as a supplement to my current income. I always find myself caught at the same mental impasse though.. 
--> I want to make some money. hmm.. I have too many things. Oh! I should sell them and get money for them. BUT how much are they worth? (IDK) AND if I sell them, then it's just going from clutter in my house to clutter in yours.. is that something I want to promote? How do I price something fairly when I have no idea it's worth? 
and round and round I go..

So I just continue to give away artistic pieces. 
Because I'd rather donate something, or volunteer my time instead of being paid for it. 
Because I don't understand how to figure out the value of art.
Because I can't find monetary worth in my time..

I have always enjoyed being the giver and tended to not be the receiver.. 

In line with that thought - is it always one OR the other though? I've just come out of a season of enough - one in which I was able to give freely when I saw needs or to causes I felt strongly about. However as I enter this new season of very-tight, does it have to be a season of "only receiving" for me now? I use to think that was the case. My experiences growing up had me thinking that made the most sense. But God is showing me that seasons of giving and seasons of getting can run hand-in-hand. Even in times of just-enough, I need to be sensitive to his nudge to give - cuz if he really does own those cattle on a 1,000 hills - then he's more than capable of providing what I need. And when money is inching closer to that red line, if he asks me to not only not drop one of my Compassion kids, but instead to add a young Deaf boy to the "children-of-my-heart" I support, I have to know that he will provide the funds to cover them.. You can call me crazy. And say I have no budget sense.. And I'll agree with you. Yet, that brings me to another point of money that I don't understand - How the Lord manages $$ among His people.

I've been interpreting for a public school soccer team recently. The coach is quite knowledgeable of the sport, and puts a great emphasis on team work. He stopped a scrimmage the other day to explain positioning to the young athletes. "Every one say trust," he instructed. "If you are out here on the field, I need you to TRUST your teammates. Don't be playing bunch ball. Don't be a ball hog. Trust that they can cover their position."

I was also recently interpreting at retreat [for Cru] and they were talking about support raising. They use the plan that God set up in Numbers for the Levites as their basis for saying "God wants to provide for all your needs. Asking people to give is a God appointed way to be in full time ministry." I think what God was saying to the Levites in Numbers was this "Here is your place on the team. Work for me. Trust your teammate to do their part and I'll provide for you." I often wonder how the other 11 tribes felt. They were told to give the 1/10th to God, but then the Levites got to use it as they saw fit.. Granted there were sacrifices to be made and specific regulations to follow, but still - I wonder if they felt jipped out of their best sheep, bulls, grain? And I'm not trying to make the analogy that if I join full time ministry, then I become a Levite, and you (dear reader) become one of the other tribes and must provide for me.. I think God has us all in simultaneous positions of a Levite and a member of the other tribes. [Back to that whole giving and getting in the same season thing.] 

What I am saying is - I often get frustrated? confused? disheartened on how I think this works. For instance, when I had my consistent salary, I gave 20%. [Like I said, if you give me an amount, and tell me it's for 'this purpose' then I'm good.] That was the way I knew that I was giving a decent amount. 
10% to Church. 
10% to other non-profits, para-church ministries, missionaries ect. 
But, each year that I put the amount I gave - which felt like a lot (I mean if most Americans don't even tithe 10%, then giving 20% is not slim - right?) - didn't get me any refunds on my taxes. Now, to be fair, it's not like I was rolling in the dough, but still. This is what I don't understand. When people make big donations at the end of the year for tax write-offs.. justhowmuchofonesincomearewetalking? And, when I give year round, versus someone giving at the end of the year for the tax break - how does one not balance the other out? *sigh* Yet another part of money that does not compute!

But it does bring me to the root of this post though. As I think about going back to Summer Project in New Jersey, I have to start thinking about funding. My dad has often laughs at me when it comes to figuring out what it will cost for all the interpreters stipends, travel, housing, ect. The number has been pretty large for the last two years. Due to increased demands, it will be even more for this coming year. My dad can't decide if I am undeterred in the fund raising because I *seemingly blindly* trust God to provide all that is needed or if I am not phased by the amount since I do not have an understanding of the value of the amount needed to be raised. I like to say it's a mix of both, however I often feel that in my WEAKNE$$ He is oh-so-very-evident! 

That being said [in my explained ignorance]- I would be remiss - after going through all of this processing, not to ask you to join my 'team' for this Summer endeavor. I promise I have oversight for my $$ies, and I have people with "# ¢" helping me come up with an estimated budget. It's not that I'm irresponsible with money, it's just the numbers like to swim in my head. Explaining all of this really is my way of saying, "I don't know how much to ask you to give.. $50 doesn't seem like it makes the "tax-back credit bracket" but $1,000 seems like a lot to ask for.. then again, I don't know what your budget can afford." So I ask in humility, as we come to the "end of the year" and people make those monetary donations for tax credit [that I don't understand how they get it] would you consider making a donation to the Wildwood Interpreters fund? Would you consider assigning a monetary worth to investing in the lives of Deaf college students? Would you help me provide value to the hours of interpreting work that goes into a Summer Project? If you are in my situation, pinching pennies, then please don't feel pressured to give. But, hey - if you're going to give, why not give to God working in the Deaf community - the largest unreached people group in America!

Should you feel lead - you can give online here: https://give.cru.org/2870830

Thanks in advance for walking with me through this labor of love. I appreciate you, whether we're Levites or Benjamites.. 

Soli Deo Gloria
:D

Meditations&Musings4Mondays

Lost things found:
The last week of June, I was running - literally - to the store to pick up some things that I needed to make breakfast. Wearing a reusable shopping bag like a backpack, I jogged the 5 blocks to SuperFresh, the local grocery chain..  2 blocks away, I found 3 school ID cards - all of the same teacher - scattered on the sidewalk.. The school was closed with no one around, thus, dropping the cards in my bag, I continued on to my destination. As I unloaded my groceries back at place, I took the cards out and laid them on the entry table (if you knew how small my apt is - you'd laugh at this "entry table" that doubles as a chest of drawers for my roommate and triples as an end table for the couch. It's great at multi-tasking *laughs*). "I'll get an envelope and drop those back at the school on Monday" I thought.. then my friend came, and life happened, and I promptly forgot about them. Until 2 weeks ago.. (yeah, 3 weeks later, oops!) While tidying up our small lil space, I saw them again - and since I had an errand to run - I drove by the school on my way. The 2 adults standing in the fenced in playground looked more like they were in charge of day-care than school, but I stopped asking if they knew the teacher listed on the ID's. They did! "She's been looking everywhere for these" one of them said. "She'll be glad to have them back." *yay*

Rewind to last year - sorta same situation, but this time with keys.. For the first 5 weeks of Project, I lived in a condo - the kind where people come and go on a weekly basis. I found the key ring in the dirt under a bush.. We checked the 5 key, to see if we could figure out which condo they fit. We looked for a car that matched the make of the 2 different ignition keys - no dice. So - I put them in my car, in hopes to figure out a way to ID them.. But the summer got busy, and there they sat.. All the way home with me they eventually went.. The key ring included 3 loyalty cards: Baby's R Us, ShopRite (local NJ grocery) and American Eagle.  I tried Baby's R Us - but they wouldn't give me any information on the card holder.. I figured A&E would be the same. The keys made it back to Wildwood with me this summer. Since ShopRite has more of a local/renter mentality, I figured they might be a bit more understanding. Today I went to customer service, and they were able to call the customer and let them know that their keys were turned in and where they could come retrieve them.. *double yay*

Lost things found.. Found things returned..
Of course these musings are always going to turn Spiritual - as how can I not connect this to something deeper ;) 
As I think about "lost" and "returned" - I can't help but wonder how this correlates to people.. One of Cru's mission statements is "to turn lost students into Christ-centered laborers". "Lost" students.. Lost people.. People who have not "returned" to their Savior..

On Saturday, the students on Project put on a free cook-out for the locals. Many international students come to Wildwood to work for the summer, thus most of the attendees were not from America. Because I have a *wonderful team* of Interpreters this year, I ended up stepping out of my "interpreter role" and getting into a conversation with a guy from Serbia named "George" (pronounced "Geor-Jeh"). He was raised in an Orthodox tradition, but admitted that religion didn't mean much to him - since he had studied many different religions - and now considered himself an atheist. We had a great convo - one in which we bounced from spiritual topic to national specific topics and back - everything was fair game. If you know me, you know that I like discussing theological things, and so when he brought up the idea of "losing his faith" in the God of Bible - it caught me up in a ponderment.. 

This idea of "lost vs. misplaced" .. and how - from the perspective of the Card-holder and the key-owners, their item was "lost".. when really it was "found, waiting to be returned".. which brings me to the concept of "already but not yet".. in that it was "already found but not yet returned".. Spiritually speaking - it causes me to wonder - Can someone "misplace their trust" in God? annnd - if not - then the process of questioning God - like the season of life George is in - could it be classified as an "already but not yet" kind of thing? As the students on Project live in the tension of "stepping out in faith to share the Gospel in the power of the Holy Spirit and leaving the results up to God" how much of a persons life is an "already but not yet" child of God? Is it like the "already but not yet" process of sanctification - being saved by Jesus' sacrifice that covers us once and for all, but daily working out that salvation to become more like Christ? Do these things even correlate? I'm glad it is the Lord that searches the hearts of men and not I - as I it is something my finite mind struggles to grasp..  

However, these concepts are comforting to me. Especially "already but not yet".. Below is a song is called "Desert Song" by Hillsong (lot's of "songs" in that sentence).. It wrestles with some of the things I've been mulling over recently..

"When triumph is still on it's way.." meaning in the midst of the battle - when the victory has not yet been won.. when the winning seems lost.. or not yet found.. "All of my life, in every season.." when the plans seem to be working out in a different way than I anticipate.. when blue prints seem to be misplaced.. lost under a stack of papers.. "You are still God.. I have a reason to worship.."
and maybe it's a process - of being "lost.. and then returned.." or the conundrum of being "already but not yet" that I find comfort - and Hope - in.

Thus - "I will rejoice, I will declare - [no matter what stage of the battle I'm in] God is my victory and He is here.."

Soli Deo Gloria
:D

Meditations&Musings4Mondays

Back in May, on way out to the South Jersey shore, my sister and I spent 2 days in D.C. The second day there, we took the Metro and a Bus to meet up with a friend for dinner. We started out in a town north of D.C and ended up pretty far west - past the Virginia border.. It took over an hour and a 1/2 to get from point A to point B (including a short backtrack from my minor glitch in reading the subway map - but that's neither here nor there). Had I been driving - in Oklahoma - from point A to point B it would have taken 30 mins max - but driving out here would have been pretty comparable time-wise, so we opted for public transportation. The thing that struck me as *funny* was how I viewed this concept of time. As I rode home alone on the metro (after sending my sister home on her first solo flight - she rocked it, btw) I found myself not minding the hour transit at all.. mainly because there were soooo many things to observe on the subway - people watching, advertisements in the train car, watching the scenery outside.. but if I had been back in Oklahoma, and had hit traffic and been stuck in the car for an hour trying to get somewhere that would have taken 20 mins, I'd'a been frustrated, annoyed and all around fed up with the situation. 

I've always struggled with this concept of time - I have no time estimation.. can't guess how long I've been sitting here typing/editing this.. have no grasp of incidental time management.. To cope with this, I try to plan out time to the minute.. but since numbers are not my friends - and time is in numbers - we often don't get along. That being said, this concept of time spent on the train --> an hour of time I would generally call "wasted" became just another part of the "journey home".. I, in a sense, was able to take time out of the equation, and just use it as a part of the trip. I no longer saw it as a confining regulation.. 

In tying into my last Monday's Musings about beauty, a verse in Ecclesiastes comes to mind.  Chapter 3 verse 11 starts off saying "[God] has made everything appropriate {or beautiful} in its time.." This correlation of "appropriate" and beautiful caught me as most translations say beautiful but the HCSB says appropriate.. which brought me to the reality of the place I find myself here in Wildwood.. 

Most of you know that my story pertaining to Interpreting and Summer Projects really started back in 2007. It is a messy, fumbling in the dark kind of story.. The kind that says "how can something beautiful ever come out of this?" The kind that resigns itself to accept "that was a great dream, but that's all it'll ever be.. a dream". So I left the dream in broken pieces on the ground and walked away.. But God has His ways.. and in 2010 God's timing became "appropriate" and brought the redemption of that dream to me. One Deaf student. One main Interpreter. One FULL summer of accessibility - of Hearing and Deaf students getting to know each other.. of building relationships and healing past wounds that had been left unattended.

Then in 2011 God continued to bring the restoration of that dream. Two Deaf individuals. Many short term team Interpreters. The First Deaf individual to be Student Staff. More Hearing and Deaf bridges being built. More opportunities to tear down the barriers of language and culture that separate my 2 worlds (Deaf and Hearing).. 

Now - 2012 - I find myself beginning to see the reality of that dream becoming a flourishing training ground for Deaf college students. THREE Deaf individuals. The first Deaf "volunteer-staff" role. FOUR long term interpreters with a network of short term interpreting teams. A place that embraces the differences and promotes accessibility and ownership of responsibility regardless of background or culture or language.. 

I mentioned that last year(to my knowledge) the first Deaf "Student Staff" [Intern] was on a Summer Project. This year (again, to my knowledge) the First Deaf student has been assigned a "Student-Director Team" leadership role.. After the first 5 weeks of Project, the Staff leave and turn over the Project to the students to run everything. The easiest way to explain it would be: A team of 6 directors are chosen, and then a tier of bible study leaders are established, and then the rest of the students are assigned tasks under different activity headings after that.. 

and the male Deaf student - Dakota - was chosen to be one of those 6 director roles!! 

The thing that struck me out of the last 5 years.. is that God's timing has been soooo appropriate.. As much as I was tempted to look at 2007 and call it wasted time - it was necessary to arrive at this place.. 2010, 2011 were all beneficial to pave the way for now in 2012 - and the ability to facilitate (the interpreting needs) of a qualified and equipped Deaf student to lead other Hearing students in this kind of setting couldn't have happened without the prior years.. 

Beautiful = Appropriate = Beauty full!

Here's to resting in *His* timing and allowing time to be the tool that leads to "appropriate"  fulfillment of dreams and not the restriction of dreams..

Soli Deo Gloria
:D

Meditations&Musings4Mondays

(Deafies - If the one above is too artistic and doesn't make sense - try this one..  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qO_19J6rJQk)

The lyrics of the chorus above popped up in my thoughts yesterday.. so I decided to look up the video to see what the whole song says.. it's interesting, how it coincided with one of the talks that the Female Project Director, Lori, gave on Sunday afternoon. She spoke about how women were made as an incarnate Beauty - the crown of God's creation. There are 6 things she borrowed from the book Captivating, that she said beauty does:
Beauty 
-Speaks (It says "all shall be well")
- Invites
- Nourishes (feeds, encourages growth)
- Comforts (provides rest)
- Inspires
- Is Transcendent (more than skin deep, calls us to long for more, and reminds us we were made for another place)
and she challenged these college student girls on Summer Project to think through ways that they are embracing this kind of beauty that the Lord has given them. She also encouraged them to see which kinds of beauty they struggled to display - and to ask the Lord, in his Goodness, to grow them in that area..

That was Sunday afternoon.. Sunday morning, as we gathered for the last "Project Church" before the Staff team leaves on the 6th, and all responsibilities of the Project are handed over to the students, Dave (the Male Summer Project Director) challenged the students with the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 (mostly from the version in Matthew).. He took an interesting approach though, and set the stage that is often over looked. He reminded the students that Jesus has just been informed that John the Baptist (Jesus's cousin, most likely a friend) has been put to death. The disciples have just gotten back from their first "mission trips" and are excited, and yet most likely exhausted. Taking all this in, Jesus says that he's going to go to a "desolate place" and has his disciples come with him. And as the crowd of people see Jesus depart in the boat on the lake, they begin to follow him on land - arriving to his destination (of anticipated respite for him) before he does.. 
And Dave then posed the question - "When life presses in on us, our character is the first thing that gets squeezed out.. What do we see squeezed out of Jesus as he's feeling broken (due to the loss of his cousin/friend/co-laborer) and exhausted (from the disciples needing encouragement after their small missions excursions)?" We see that he 'meets the needs of those present'.. He has compassion.. He tends to them like a good shepherd.. 
Then Dave asked the students to contemplate, as they are 5 weeks into Project, what is being "pressed out" as they are feeling the "squeeze" of the demands of Project..

It can be hard to process the message for myself as I'm interpreting.. and while I have a wonderful team in Cory, even in the "off" seat as the "back up terp" it is still hard to disengage from the interpreting process. However, this message was similar to the one he gave as a farewell charge to the students last year. Which - consequently - makes it easier for me to maintain more of the message.. annnd for the Lord to convict me about things from the talk.. 

"What is pressed out of me when I am squeezed by circumstance?"
Beauty? or un-beauty.. (otherwise known as ugly..) ;)

It takes me to a blog entry that I read last year:
"We sit broken and I choke out the ugly words, words that have been there but I have been too appalled to voice.. We sit long and spill the ugly, inadequate tears and we let His light fill up the holes." - here Katie Davis articulates what I often feel here on Project.. I'd like to say "beauty" is what is pressed out of me.. but I know that inwardly that's not the case - especially here on Project. So much ugly - selfishness mostly, vain glory, pain and complaining - comes up in me.. and while I try to suppress it, I'm grateful for it at the same time..

Thus, I'll close with this - the lyrics of the song bring me a muse to meditate on..
   "You make beautiful things out of the dust.. You make BEAUTIFUL things out of US"..
*But thanks be to God who delivers us from the ugly, and makes us beautiful*!

That's all I gots.. Thanks for hanging with me..

Soli Deo Gloria
:D