**It's been a while since I've sent an update - I feel as though I need to catch everyone up. This note will be a lil' on the longer side. Cliff notes are in bold - scroll down to see those if you just have a few minutes. ;)**
:: Feeling like a drain on life ::
September will mark 5 years of marriage for Azael and I.. Five! Welcome to Kindergarten! ;)
And while five years doesn't seem like that long ((in the grand scheme of things)), as I have been reflecting over the past few weeks, I've realized that in these first five years of our marriage, I've been in an almost constant state of change. Things have come to a tipping point as this 3rd pregnancy has been less than enjoyable, and I just feel like I'm a drain on life at the moment.
You may have seen me out and about, but don't be fooled. I can 'rally' - I can muster all the energy I've got - and put on a pleasant face to attend different events or visit with someone for a short time, but most of my days, I'm holed up at mi casa not wanting to interact with anyone because it's so draining for me. And this, in turn - when I'm texting with friends or catching up at events - makes me feel like I'm a drain on others (since the inevitable question comes up "how are you feeling/doing?" and I don't want to sugar coat it and say "I'm great/fine" as this perpetual-flu-feeling-that-is-my-pregnancy is not fun, but there's not really a nice way to bow out of "I really feel awful, but there's not much I can do for the next 4 months or so.."). *sigh*
And while I realize that this state is "temporary" - this baby will come out eventually, and I will feel better eventually - it is not lost on me that my recent "status update" in life for the last few years seems to be on auto-repeat. I feel as though I need to make excuses for being such a downer all the time.. for not being able to juggle as much as I used to.. for feeling like I'm failing at friendships or housekeeping or fill in the blank . I was curious if this was just me having an Eeyore attitude, or if life truly has been hard these last couple of years - so I took an online "stress test" to help me process the events of the past 5 years. The Holmes and Rahe Stress scale takes into account happy (marriage, baby, etc) and not-so-happy (move, death, illness) stressors. I took the test with the last five years in mind (2013-2018). The Score Interpretation at the end of the test said if your score was between 300-600 that you had a very high risk of becoming sick in the near future.. I scored an 847..
This prompted me to take the test five times, one for each year, to see if I leveled out a bit..
Life Change Assessment Scores
2013 - score: 549
(Azael moved to back to America, we got engaged, worked out of state while planning our wedding, my paternal grandpa passes away, we got married, moved to our first rental house, became pregnant with our first child and I was diagnosed with Mono.)
2014 - score: 530
(I officially started working for Cru, gave birth to Jaelyn, stopped interpreting freelance in Oklahoma, Azael had two job transitions during that year, I adjusted to parenting/living in a second language.)
2015 - score: 452
(We moved twice, gained a roommate, Azael's mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, we decide to move to California to be closer to her, I continued to stumble through living between two languages.)
2016 - score: 533
(Azael's mom became a missing person - presumed deceased, pregnant with our second child, move cross-country twice, 'homeless' for 3 months, Azael starts training program, gave birth to Kaspien.)
2017 - score: 451
(Azael starts new job, family of 4 moves into our 2 bedroom apartment with us for 3 months, we purchase our first house, my maternal step-grandpa passes away, spend 6 weeks apart from Azael while the kids are with me for work, Deaf teenager moves to live with us, and we add 3 roommates to the said house that we bought.)
2018 - score: not yet calculated but..
(become pregnant with child number 3, two roommates move out, replaced by 3 new roommates..)
Not to make excuses, but as I look back over the last 5 years, according to the stress test, I *should* be sick.. :( I guess it helps my fatigue to feel a little less overwhelming.
It's hard to reconcile sometimes the path that God is directing you down and the number of stressors science thinks you can take. I feel as though the first 3 or 4 years, we were doing the next right thing, taking the next God-directed step - but this last year and a half, I have felt more of the weight of all these changes building up.. I am ready for the whirlwind to stop and to settle down a bit. Baby number three - as much of a blessing as I'm sure this child will be - has been the straw that's breaking this camel's back, and I just want to sit down a rest a bit..
It's hard, though, as I like to be active (we used to sing this song during my youth group days - jumping back and forth like that! Wish I had that energy these days! - I want to run for fun/stress relief again. I miss playing soccer and football. And being goofy to songs like this with energy to spare). And it's not for lack of trying to figure out what's wrong, or not trying different remedies, eating better, avoiding certain foods - I just can't seem to pinpoint the issue at the moment.
But I have to remind myself, even when I'm feeling like I am not contributing anything to life in general, that God's love is not conditional on my performance.
..it's deeper than the sea, higher than the sky.. It's everlasting - when my stamina is not..
This list of songs has been my recent sound track.. in my head, on repeat most days and has kept me going as of late. As the Casting Crowns song says, "take it one more day at a time".. I'm trying to do just that..
Hopefully I can get back to regularly posting - this summer has been slow Cru/ministry wise (thankfully!) but this fall is gearing up for lots to happen. :)
Soli Deo Gloria
:D
